Tricky Beast

A few months ago, I received a text message at work. It was news that I wasn’t prepared for. It said that one of my old classmates from grade & high school had committed suicide on his 50th birthday. It’s not like we were close friends or anything. We had been friends at one time but had grown apart over the years, as people are prone to do as they mature. But the news hit me hard. Very hard. I was physically and emotionally shaken. I had to go hide in the server room for quite a while to collect my thoughts and settle down.

I knew that he had struggled with addiction in the years since high school. I didn’t know the details and didn’t want to. He had been known to show up on people’s doorsteps asking for money, usually under the guise of needing gas for his vehicle or some other innocent-sounding story, but we all knew what he was doing. Even when other friends and family told me not to give him any money, I think I only denied him once. My reasoning was that I was more comfortable just giving him my twenty bucks if it would prevent him from doing something more drastic, or even tragic, to get it another way.

After I got my emotions in check at work, I messaged one of my coworkers and told him what had happened. He offered some very kind and much-needed words of encouragement and sympathy. Then he said something that I haven’t been able to get out of my head since. He said, “Mental illness is a tricky beast”.

I have struggled with mental health issues in the past. When I was younger, I wrestled more than once with depression. And I still struggle with a form of social anxiety. (Invite me to a party or even a small friendly get-together and no matter how much I want to go, I will fret about it for days before I eventually decline the invitation, just to alleviate the imaginary weight on my chest. The anxiety will literally manifest in a physical way. So don't take it personally if you invite me to something and I make an excuse to not go. It's not you - it's me and my brain.) But I had never put a face on it before that day.

Mental illness really is a tricky beast. It’s a liar. It’s a funhouse mirror; distorting the truth until it makes you believe that you are all alone – that you are not worthy – that you are not in control – that you don’t matter.

It’s wrong. You are NOT alone! You ARE worthy! You ARE in control! You DO matter!

May is Mental Health Awareness Month; and when I started writing this, I thought I was going to impart some wise words of wisdom – but I don’t have any. I just want whoever is reading this – whoever needs to hear it – to know that it’s okay to not be okay. It doesn’t make you weak to admit that you need help. We need to get rid of the stigma that surrounds mental illness. There are SO MANY of us that have been there too – that still are occasionally. It’s a reality that millions of Americans face at any given time.

My hope is that we, as the great nation that we claim to be, can unite behind the cause of making sure anyone affected by mental illness can get the quality care and support they need to live full, healthy, joyful lives – and that no one feels alone in their struggle. Can we put aside our differences and disagreements long enough to do that? I hope so.

It will take a unified effort, but I truly believe that together we can minimize the tricky beast’s power.